I know that something in Covey’s book (7 Habits) crystalised the need I felt to leave my job.  Part of the transition I hope but I feel overwhelmed, I feel raw, I feel afraid… I don’t know if this will be what I thought it would, I don’t know if I will be who people thought I was. I am afraid that there isn’t ‘enough’ to hold my role together, or rather perhaps, hold me together in my role but I cannot name what I need. I only feel sad.

For a group who talk a lot I don’t know that we say what we should say – I feel sometimes that my ears roar with all that is unsaid and I cannot hear what the person in front of me is saying over the ringing in my ears. False pride, false self, false humility.  Reading in Tim Costello’s book “Streets of Hope” tonight he cites Nelson Mandela’s inauguration speech to the effect that “most of us are afraid not of our inadequacies but of our power to be ourselves”. Am I afraid of others or am I afraid of me?

Is it supposed to be this lonely?  A regardless of how many people are around us do we ultimately travel alone? My hobby pastor thanked me for my faithfulness yesterday it doesn’t seem fair to accept gratitude for that – I just am and broken at that, of what worth? Why do I exclude myself from God’s grace? A community of broken people making broken offerings, there can be no other explanation.