Tag Archive: loneliness
Teaching 12 – The Root of Suffering
What keeps us unhappy and stuck in a limited view of reality is our tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain, to seek security and avoid groundlessness, to seek comfort and avoid discomfort. This is how we keep ourselves enclosed in a cocoon. Out there are all the planets and all the galaxies and vast space, but we’re stuck down here in this cocoon. Moment after moment, we’re deciding we would rather stay down in that cocoon than step out into that big space. Life in our cocoon is cosy and secure. We’ve gotten it all together It’s safe, it’s predictable, it’s convenient, it’s trustworthy. If we feel ill at ease, we just fill those gaps.
Our mind is always seeking zones of safety. We’re in this zone of safety and that’s what we consider life, getting it all together, security. Death is losing that. We fear losing our illusion of security – that’s what makes us anxious. We fear being confused and not knowing which way to turn. We want to know what’s happening. The mind is always seeking zones of safety, and these zones of safety are continually falling apart. Then we scramble to get another zone of safety back together again. We spend all our energy and waste our lives trying to re-create these zones of safety, which are always falling apart. That’s the essence of samsara – the cycle of suffering that comes from continuing to seek happiness in all the wrong places.
Teaching 20 – Solgan: “All activities should be done with intention”
Breathing in, breathing out, feeling resentful, feeling happy, being able to drop it, not being able to drop it, eating our food, brushing our teeth, walking, sitting – whatever we’re doing could be done with one intention. The intention is that we want to wake up, we want to ripen our compassion, and we want to ripen our ability to let go, we want to realise our connection with all beings. Everything in our lives has the potential to wake us up or put us to sleep. Allowing it to awaken us is up to us.
Teaching 37 – The Practice of Compassion
We cultivate compassion to soften our hearts and also to become more honest and forgiving about when and how we shut down. Without justifying or condemning ourselves we do the courageous work of opening to suffering. This can be the pain that comes when we put up barriers or the pain of opening our heart to our own sorrow or that of another being. We learn as much about doing this from our failures as we do from our successes. In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience – our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.
Teaching 43 – Tonglen: The Key to Realising Interconnectedness
…when anything is painful or undesirable, breathe it in. In other words, you don’t resist it. You surrender to yourself, you acknowledge who you are, you honour yourself. As unwanted feelings and emotions arise, you actually breathe them in and connect with what all humans feel. We all know what it is to feel pain in its many guises.
You breathe it in for yourself, in the sense that pain is a personal and real experience, but simultaneously there’s no doubt that you’re developing your kinship with all beings. If you can know it in yourself, you can know it in everyone. If you’re in a jealous rage and you have the courage to breathe it rather than blame it on someone else, the arrow you feel in your heart will tell you that there are people all over the world who are feeling exactly what you’re feeling. This practice cuts through culture, economic status, intelligence, race, religion. People everywhere feel pain – jealousy, anger, being left out, feeling lonely. Everyone feels it in the painful way you feel it. The storylines vary, but the underlying feeling is the same for us all.
By the same token, if you feel some sense of delight – if you connect with what for you is inspiring, opening, relieving, relaxing – you breathe it out, you give it away, you send it out to everyone else… If you’re willing to drop the storyline, you feel exactly what all other human beings feel. It’s shared by all of us. In this way, if we do this practice personally and genuinely, it awakens our sens eof kinship with all beings.
Teaching 86: Six ways to be Lonely
Usually we rgard loneliness as an enemy. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find soemthing or someone to keep us company. When we rest in the middle of it, we begin to have a non=threatening relationship with loneliness, a cooling loneliness that turns our usual fearful patterns upside down. There are six ways of describing thsi kind of loneliness:
1. LESS DESIRE is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us yearns for something to change our mood.
2. CONTENTMENT means that we no longer believe that escaping our loneliness is going to bring happiness or courage or strength.
3. AVOIDING UNNECESSARY ACTIVITIES means that we stop looking for something to entertain us or to save us.
4. COMPLETE DISCIPLINE means that at every opportunity, we’re waiting to come back to the present moment with compassionate attention.
5. NOT WANDERING IN THE WORLD OF DESIRE is about relating directly with how things are, without trying to make things okay.
6. NOT SEEKING SECURITY FROM ONE’S DISCURSIVE THOUGHTS means no longer seeking the companionship of constant conversation with ourselves.
Today I am reading a copy of the Gnostic Bible (Barnstone & Meyer).
Gospel of Thomas:
(38) Often you have wanted to hear these sayings I am telling you, and you have no one else from whom to hear them. There will be days when you will seek me and you will not find me.
Sherlock: “I’ve lived most of my life with the firm conviction that romantic love is an illusion. It is a futile hedge against the existential terror that is our own singularity… …I feel liberated. I am now and forever post-love, and, as such, I am free to pursue a life of meaning.”
Holmes: “I think it’s sad you’ve given up. I think you have a lot to share if you cared to. You shouldn’t be the only one who knows you.”
I fear that what might be my honest, deliberate truth might in fact be driven by my fear, or worse, that I have never been tested.
How do you measure integrity?
In this moment my truth explains, justifies, gives grace to my life. Could I ever doubt, regret, call that into question as some new learning, new light shines into my brokenness?
In every moment we are given a choice about what we do or say – watch TV? Do the readings for Uni? Check for the 5th time in 10 minutes whether someone has retweeted my tweet? How do we register the frequency of the symphonic harmony of life and step into the dance?
The only thing sadder than a life on the sidelines is not even knowing you are invited…
i tell you arise
Jesus seemed to move around a bit… city to sea, centre to margins; in between the “happenings” the speeches and stories, the healing and the casting out – he and his friends would have spent some time on the road. I wonder if this was his introverted time to recharge before the gig? Whether they’d process how it went “I don’t know, do you think they get it?”, “OMG did you see that Pharisees face? I thought he might have a heart attack”… Joy or sadness, success and frustrations poured out around a campfire at night, shared around a meal, not ranked recliners but a simple circle on the ground – men and women together, schmick tax collectors and homely fishermen. Despite having people around him all the time I bet there were times Jesus felt lonely in his vocation, times he wrestled with the call, felt caught between the surety of purpose and the unknowing of where the path would lead… and felt fear.
i tell you arise
Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Te Whiti, Dorothy Day, Ghandi, saints, prophets and witnesses have gone in that water, I am not worthy to set foot in it.
Maybe just a toe? I’ll paddle here on the edges – I can see to the bottom, sure footing… it’s safe here. I can see the way forward and the way back.
What if I’m swept off my feet? What if the current takes me? Where will it take me? I am not strong enough to swim against the current long… what if I can’t get out?
This is the river that baptised Jesus. This same water that washed his feet and that of his disciples whom he knelt to serve… this water is not of death but of life…
i tell you arise
Talitha Fraser“Me? I’ve been lonely my whole life for as long as I can remember, since I was a child. Sometimes being around other people makes it worse… When you’re young, you think its going to be solved by love. But it never is. Being close – as close as you can get – to another person only makes clear the impassable distance between you.”
“If being in love only made people more lonely,
why would everyone want it so much?”
“Because of the illusion. You fall in love its intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls, and so on.You think you’ll never be lonely again. Only it doesn’t last and soon you realise you can only get so close, and you end up brutally disappointed, more alone than ever, because the illusion – the hope you held onto all those years – has been shattered.
But see, the incredible thing about people is that we forget. Time passes and somehow hope creeps back and sooner or later someone comes along and we think this is the one. And the whole thing starts all over again. We go through our lives like that, and either we just accept the lesser relationship – it may not be total understanding, but its pretty good – or we keep trying for that perfect union, trying and failing, leaving behind us a trail of broken hearts, our own included. In the end, we die as alone as we were born, having struggled to understand others, to make ourselves understood, but having failed in what we once imagined was possible.
How to be alone, to remain free, but not feel longing, not to feel imprisoned in oneself. That is what interests me.”
He spoke of human solitude, about the intrinsic loneliness of a sophisticated mind, one that is capable of reason and poetry but which grasps at straws when it comes to understanding another,
a mind aware of the impossibility of absolute understanding.
The difficulty of having a mind that understands that it will always be misunderstood.
“But as it stands, true empathy remains impossible. And so long as it is, people will continue to suffer the pressure of their seemingly singular existence.”
“And mistreat each other, won’t they?”
Ray nodded. “Horrendously.”
(quote from “Man Walks into a Room” – Nicole Krauss)the turbulence of the world behind my eyes spills out
shame burning
guilt gasping
heart constriction
shock
I see your shock at my nakedness.
The nakedness of my whole truth.
My vulnerability.
Like a foetus curled, cold, helpless.
Quick. Retreat. Apologise.
Tuck it back in, decorum returns.
Healing might not have happened but my humanity affirmed your own.
Somehow with our shit, our baggage, our brokenness
we still find a way to live loving one another.
it is very dark there
and very lonely
in the world behind my eyes




