‘to love our neighbours as ourselves’ is a common belief across all faiths.
Sometimes feel depressed – actually those are things worth feeling depressed about (global financial crisis, global warming…) We are complicit in an exploitative system. Fills us with sorrow. Accept it as a reasonable response and don’t let it incapacitate me.
Joy and sorrow can co-exist. Sadder the older I get.
Nehemiah – the joy of the Lord is my strength. In the midst of my sorrow need to find a reason for hope/joy. God is always there. God brings joy. Need a spiritual discipline of finding God in sorrow. In all things God is working for good. When we find God in a situation we will find good. Get up everyday and find something I can rejoice in: within myself, in my relationship with my wife, my family, my community…
Action research – look for problems. Find them. Generate more à become overwhelmed e.g. “what do you see as the problems in our relationship?”, ask your partner that question and you will have found some problems to work on!
Appreciative research – peak experience, best practice. What do you like about our relationship? Why? How could we do this more often in the future? E.g. what are the best times we’ve had together? What made them good? How could we have them more often?
Dealing with the negative in a more positive framework is more energy-giving.
What is truly there? Something about how it operates that sustains it – start from that. E.g. people will keep running a programme long beyond when it is sustainable, it must be because there is something in that worth saving.
Positions polarise – close down options into one of two. Those positions harden and it becomes difficult to see resolution. Ask “why?” of both sides to draw out fears and desires. See if there are solutions beyond their positions that meet desires and address fears. Not easy and not quick. Fear of the process greater than need to change. E.g. building mosque – the side against were concerned about increased traffic flow and parking, Muslim people feared religious intolerance in their community.
Several options that can look like:
– No existing relationship, no interest in a common goal
– Committed to action, regardless of how it affects other relationships
– Relationship so important, need to NOT act. Can’t risk it.
– Do have a relationship – are interested in resolution (partial/unlimited)
Community with family:
Plan our time together and there are different kinds:
– Non-negotiable time, this belongs to my wife and family and it cannot be given away
– Non-negotiable time, give freely to everybody – don’t need to talk about it
– Negotiable, to family or community
It is easy to give up something that is not important to yourself on behalf of someone else e.g. living without a fridge in India – easy for Dave to commit to but not for his wife àfundamental injustice. Only sacrifice what is mine, not what belongs to others. Sometimes excruciating to negotiate, ‘worst way of doing it, apart from all the other ways’. Consequences of not negotiating – more painful. Negotiating is a heavy process. Something that is life-giving for me might also be death-giving t someone else – have to negotiate to a cost. Often these aren’t win:win but rather choose what is life-giving for her this time and hope that it will roll around to my turn next time. Important to be putting the other person first.
When first started this work it was all or nothing. Gave freely and fully. Became hurt. You can help and resource others without risking anything but you can’t love them. Need to be willing/able to be vulnerable. I was becoming increasingly hardened. Prayed. God is love. To reflect God to the world need to show love. Get hurt along the way and now scared. Need to ask ourselves: what can we do today to reach out to those around us so if its not reciprocated or appreciated it won’t destroy us?
Want to risk but can’t take the same amount every day. A given that we will reach out but give ourselves permission to say how much we are able to risk. E.g. could be the difference between jumping in my car to go to work and only waving at my neighbours on the ways past, or walk out the door and seek people out but only talk about what is ‘light, right, nice, polite’ – no capacity to go to the depths, or go up to one person and go deep: “I’m sorry that we aren’t getting on so well, love to shout you a coffee sometime and talk about it…”
Need to monitor our own degrees of vulnerability. Become bitter if give more than we can give happily.
Sacrificial giving – condemn Pharisees who only give a little themselves and exploit widows. Exploit our desire to be generous and then guilt-trip is for more. Jesus was willing to die but not every day, most times Jesus ran away – only died once. No one takes my life from me but I can lie it down. Sacrifice. We will take a stand and get done over, but not every day.
Need to think about our choices in relation to our partners/kids. E.g. if I am away on holiday for 14 days – need to manage myself to be back, present and attentive, on day 15. Otherwise that is time that I have stolen from my wife and kids.
So many voices, culture, choices in our head driving us – seek out still small voice (role of the Holy Spirit). For myself, get a blank piece of paper and write things down with an arrow beside them
Arrow pointing upwards: things I want to ask God
Arrow pointing downwards: things God tells me
~ this becomes my ‘to do’ list
Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know it’s me.
Turning inwards, that job will never be complete. But others seeing you on the journey might be inspired to become more like you. Teach me the lessons I need to learn so that I can be useful to someone else in the future.
Appreciative inquiry – if actions are oppressing a third party: have to intervene. In some occasions you can avoid/walk away but others you must intervene.
Becoming involved in conflict:
Keep your distance – a) helps situation not to escalate and b) gives you a head start if you need to run. Say something like “hey mate, can I help you something?” address the perpetrator not the victim. Will think you’re on their side. Want to protect them from harm themselves. Always frightened and fearful when getting involved. If fair fight might sometimes keep walking but not if someone is out-numbered or overpowered.
Be gentle on ourselves. Can be our own worst enemy and our own best friend. Rather than seeking validation from others, seek how God sees me. My needs and ideas are valid too. Can’t wait for someone else to tell me that. Desire for acceptance/approval. “The Lucifer effect”
In the context of God’s validation, accept ourselves.
Activist/doing – gets approval. Hard work of seeking God and being still – becoming aware of our own faults and limitations. Can ‘survive’ and not maintain your soul. What is the bottom line of what you are willing to compromise of your faith/values? E.g. in a concentration camp: some did anything to survive, even kill other jews (had a life, but no soul), others were reformers preaching hope/outspoken, executed quickly (had soul but not their life), third type would not intervene in someone being beaten but would not engage in brutality themselves (both soul and life).
Whether they fire or shoot me won’t do ….
What is the bottom line of what you are willing to compromise of your faith/values?
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